We've moved!

The DisneyLies.com blog has moved to:

www.disneylies.com/blog/

Please update your bookmarks. Thanks!

Up in Smoke

On Wednesday, Disney Chief Executive Robert "Bob Iger" Iger announced that the company would no longer release Disney-branded films in which smoking was depicted, and that any future DVD rereleases would be edited to eliminate smoking references and images.

This surprise announcement impacts a number of upcoming projects. For example, the animated remake of classic action film "Smokey and the Bandit" and Pixar's "Nicotina" have both been canceled. Work is underway on a rerelease of "One Hundred and One Dalmatians" in which Cruella De Vil's signature cigarette holder has been replaced by a ballpark-style hot dog. Disney corporate history is also being rewritten to depict Walt Disney as having died from a stroke instead of cigarette-related cancer.

Although smoking is banned in Disney-branded films, young fans will be pleased to learn that dogs peeing on people and tasteless jokes about bodily functions are still fair game.

Harry Potter Book Spoiler

The Walt Disney Company, bitter that it was not able to sign a contract for the building of Harry Potter-themed attractions, had this to say upon the release of the final book in the Potter series: "Harry dies."

$$$$ for California!

The Walt Disney Company announced last week that $1 billion would be made available to add and improve infrastructure at Disney's California Adventure (sometimes referred to as "The Park that Guests Forgot"). The enormous size of this sum was, in part, due to Disney's desire to gain public support by refunding the money of anyone who purchased a full-price, one-day, one-park California Adventure ticket at any time since the park opened. Further research revealed that this would cost the company only some $40,000 (including the cost of hunting down the guests qualifying for refunds, most of whom are in foreign countries or institutions of some type). This leaves much more money available for park improvements than originally anticipated.

Improvements planned for California Adventure include a newly themed entrance, a more kinetic environment, new "e-ticket" attractions, and a systematic tearing down and rebuilding of the entire park one section at a time to make it the kind of place it should have been on opening day.

After hearing that the board had approved the $1 billion budget, John Lassiter -- Poobah of Disney Imagineering -- was heard to say, "That's all?"

Magical ashes

Reader J.G. writes, "I think everyone should know that when people buy a brick in the plaza between DCA and DL, they can choose to have their ashes buried underneath it when they pass away."

Unfortunately, J.G. has his facts slightly wrong. What guests can do is have a loved one's ashes mixed with the cement used to create a commemorative brick. Disney doesn't want to be in the business of prying up bricks and putting ashes under them every time a fanatical fan passes away -- that's just too labor intensive.

Disney is also unlikely to ever promise "post death" services again. They surely learned their lesson after the 2000-2001 "Cooler Heads" promotion in which annual passholders could purchase a slot in the cryogenic vault beneath Space Mountain for their head when the time comes. It was a paperwork disaster, and far too many guests showed up at the main gate with the upper part of a decapitated loved one in an ice chest, wanting to know where to put it.

Disneyland strikes back!

Disneyland management continues to be ireful at the recent theft of Tom Sawyer Island's Fort Wilderness by a group of dissatisfied annual passholders who were angry with the island's pirate overlay. Management has decided that the incident cannot be allowed to go unpunished, but the problem of retribution remains in that they have to date been unable to positively identify the cuplrits.

So the decision was made to punish all annual passholders for the deeds of those few.

"As of August 1," said Head of Corporate Affairs Maria Thornly, "the Disney Gallery will be permanently closed. This will surely come as a blow to Disneyland's annual passholders, many of whom enjoyed wandering its halls and viewing important artwork and memorabilia from Disneyland's past, and concept art hinting at its future. Those few who knew how to actually get a balcony seat for Fantasmic! viewing will surely be doubly disappointed. Perhaps this will cause them to think twice before again attempting to blackmail the Walt Disney Company with threats of petty thievery."

Rumors are that the Disney Gallery will be returned to its former apartment format and made part of Disney's timeshare program.

In related news, Walt Disney World management is currently engaged in battle with passholders over the "magic wand" above Epcot's Spaceship Earth. "They're stealing parts of it as fast as we can repair it," said one maintenance lead, hopped up on too much coffee after days without sleep. Rumor has it that cast members sympathetic to the protestor's dislike for Epcot's current character-heavy trend may be aiding the rebels. How will management retalliate? We'll let you know as soon as we do!

Analysts call Ratatouille "Horrible, dismal failure"

Disney studio estimates on Sunday say that Ratatouille made some $47.2 million over its first weekend. Investor groups and entertainment industry analysts were, to say the least, horrified.

"What a horrible, horrible disappointment," said Fred Pessimisto, a major financial industry guy. "What can you buy with $47 million these days? Diddly and squat, that's what. They need to just pull this clunker out of theaters and make room for something that can do the job."

"Pixar's had its first big, gigantic, stinker," said investment consultant Pete Holenhead. "I thought it was bad enough when Cars dragged in a pathetic $60 its first few days and only went on to make $255 million, but this is so, so much worse. Did anyone even go to the movies this weekend? Disney needs to get Pixar on board with those direct-to-video sequels that make guaranteed money and just ignore those Internet-fan morons who keep worrying about 'brand quality' and unmonitizable garbage like that."

Wikipedia editor Barry Headinsand said, "Check out the Ratatouille reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. It only got 95%! Everybody hates this film. Rats hate it. The French hate it. I hate it."

Disney management is considering pulling the film from theaters and trying to make it more palatable to mainstream audiences. "We'd like to rename it Spaghetti or something more recognizable to Americans," said Disney marketing manager Sylvia "Bottom Line" Artless. "And we should never have released a movie about rats in kitchens. How can you do a Happy Meal tie-in with something about that? And the movie has no fart jokes, or dogs peeing on anything -- and the one vomit joke doesn't show anything. What is this, 1937? No wonder kids hate the thing. In addition, the movie has a short before it. Nobody does shorts any more. They waste valuable theater time. Disney should be concentrating less on this artsy crap and more on guaranteed box-office gold like Evan Almighty -- I wish we had made that film; it's everything America wants in a family comedy."

Only time will tell if Ratatouille can ever recover from this sad, stuttering start.

Innoventions at Disneyland is going through a renaissance (or however you spell that) at the moment, adding sponsors like a hyperactive NASCAR driver. Quite a few new sponsors (including Microsoft, Peterson Military Robotics, and the Dreamworks Defamation League) are already active or waiting in the wings, and Siemens has become a significant presence.

The newest addition from Siemens is the Super Driver virtual driving simulator, which -- with incredible realism -- lets visitors experience what it would be like to chase world-destroying evil geniuses using a vehicle with all the latest technology (collision avoidance, autodrive, the ability to drive on the ceiling, and x-ray vision that looks suspiciously like infra-red vision).

It is hoped that future Siemens exhibits will have something to do with products actually produced by Siemens and available in the real world.

They did it! (Well, kinda)

Last week I reported that a group of annoyed Disney fanatics had threatened to steal Fort Wilderness in protest over changes to Tom Sawyer Island. Well, last Wednesday they attempted to make good their threat, and got away with a good portion of the fort before Disneyland security got wise.

"Cast members at the park entrance noticed an unusual number of guests leaving the park with over-sized backpacks that smelled like freshly-sawed wood," said Martin Pately, an anonymous security cast member. "Wood shavings were also being disposed of 'Great Escape' style by guests with bags of sawdust in their pants who would slowly release the detritus as they walked around the park."

Although the attempted theft was not a complete success (from the thieves' perspective), enough of the fort was removed that the rest of it will have to be demolished, costing Disney millions of dollars and leaving countless termites homeless.

One of the fort thieves wrote to DisneyLies over the weekend, saying, "I think we made our point well! Next on the agenda -- if Epcot doesn't stop adding characters to what is supposed to be a science and knowledge-based theme park, we're going to steal the Sorcerer Mickey arm right off Spaceship Earth in 2008!"

Will they do it? Only time will tell!

Annual Passholders Prepare for Revenge!!!

It's been a while since our last post because, frankly, there hasn't been much news regarding Disney (something about a submarine, but that's about it).

However, today we heard what may be the biggest rumor ever in the history of Disneyland. It seems that some annual passholders are VERY upset about the "pirating up" of Tom Sawyer Island and intend to do something about it. They claim that, if Disney does not put the island back "the way Walt wanted it" immediately they will -- and this is a direct quote -- "steal the fort right off the island in broad daylight"!

Now, Disney has big plans for the fort in the coming year so they can't afford to lose the thing. I'm guessing that Disney security is going to be checking people's bags extra carefully over the next few days, looking for band saws and other such implements.

Will Disney cave? Will the "true fans" carry out their threat? Stay tuned for more as the situation develops!

Swiss Family Suites

On April 30, the Magic Kingdom's Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse will be closed to begin its conversion into a Disney Vacation Club property.

Pirates vs. Princesses

The Pirate & Princess Party returns to the Magic Kingdom this summer for several days in August and September. It is expected that the pirates will win again this year.

Night of Joy -- Rockin' the Park for Jesus

Disney has announced the list of performers for the annual Night of Joy Christian-music event at the Magic Kingdom, beginning September 7 at 7:30 p.m. Headlining the event will be the celebrated, award-winning chants of the Monks of St. Sebastian Straight-Arrow Choir. Pat Robertson's "Rappin' Rob" extravaganza will serve as a finale to the event.

While we're on the subject, tickets are still available for the annual Night of Darkness Anti-Christian-music event at the Magic Kingdom, beginning June 6 at 6:66 p.m. Ozzy Osbourne, Marilyn Manson, and the reunited Osmond brothers will perform.

Mouse and Found

The Mouse Planet Web site -- usually viciously on top of current Disneyland news -- yesterday finally noted that Disneyland's Lost Children center moved to the Baby Care Center, thwarting the park's plan to make young Mouse Planet readers stay lost.

A Wild Investment

The Disney Wildlife Conservation Fund has announced the purchase (along with two partners) of some 3,000 acres of land in Brazil. This land is the habitat of the endangered Lear's macaw, so named for its large eyes and habit of staring at female macaws with its tongue hanging out of its mouth. The land was purchased both for the preservation of the macaw's habitat and for the construction of Club Macaw, and extensive dining, dancing, and theme park experience planned to encircle the 1,000 acres that will be left undeveloped.

The Flat Frog

Disney has announced a return to traditional animation with The Frog Prince. This tale of amphibian romance is not only a resurrection of tradition, but also a Disney first in many ways. This is going to be Disney's first animated feature starring a princess of African descent, and the first featuring both interspecies (princess and frog) and interracial (princess and Frenchman) romance.

When asked about how Disney would produce the film given that they had released all of their 2D animators, a Disney spokesperson responded, "Oh, that won't be a problem. Most of those animators wouldn't even think of working for another studio and are just sitting in their apartments waiting for us to call. They love Disney and can't wait to return to the benefits, security, and management-free creative independence they have come to expect from Disney traditional animation."

Meet the Who?

Characters from the Meet the Robinsons have been spotted at both Disneyland and Walt Disney World, trying to pose for photos, signing autographs that cause readers to wrinkle their brows, and just generally confusing guests who have no idea who they are.

Get in early!

This just in -- apparently some people in Disneyland management are none too pleased with Congress' pulling back Daylight Saving Time by three weeks. As sort of a "quiet protest" over the situation, starting tomorrow Disneyland will be rewarding everyone who refuses to change their watches by letting them into Disneyland one hour before the posted opening time!

Enjoy!

Pizza Sally

Quoting from an ABC "Eyewitness News" report:

Many Floridians say they see something on a pizza pan that's nothing short of magical. And now, hundreds of Disney fans are flocking to an east Orlando house to get a peek.

Apparently, they're serving something special at the cafeteria of Pu Elementary. On Ash Wednesday, a school employee was washing and scrubbing a sheet pan when she noticed something.

"On the third rinse I started watching it, trying to discover what it was," she recalled.

So moved by the discovery, she took the pan to her manager, who said, "I know it's something good for this community, and especially for this school."

What the women saw was an image that is unmistakable to them. It drew so much attention the pan was moved to a nearby home, where it has become the center of what almost amounts to a shrine.

"It's Sally from Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas," said one visiting Disney fan. "At first I thought it was Snow White, but the long neck, the full hair -- it has to be Sally."

Another of the Disney faithful said, "I think it's incredible. It's real Disney magic. I'm no lawyer, but I think it's probably a copyright violation, too. I don't know what they're going to do about that."

More than 200 came to see "Sally" on Thursday, and dozens more arrived on Friday. A meeting with Disney lawyers was planned for Friday evening.

Bring on the green!

Those of you with a hankering for a bit of Irish may want to head for Walt Disney World on St. Patrick's day. In celebration, Downtown Disney's Raglan Road restaurant will feature an Irish theme all day long!

What's new in Italy?

We announced earlier that Epcot's L'Originale Alfredo di Roma Ristorante is getting the axe. Disney originally would only say that its replacement would be "a new Italian restaurant concept." Insiders are now saying that the "new concept" will be a large-scale Dominos Pizza, offering pizza delivery to any location in the park (including attractions!) in 30 minutes or less.

Muppet Mobile Labs

Last week, visitors to Disney's California Adventure got a chance to view the new Muppet Mobile Labs, a two-wheeled vehicle on which ride muppets Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker. The muppets performed a brief show during which they interacted with guest and conducted various experiments (for example, seeing which of a variety of dangerous contraptions Beaker could escape from before they exploded).

There were a number of technical problems that need to be worked out before this becomes a permanent addition to DCA. Apparently, the two (very short) puppeteers who work within the vehicle had a difficult time operating the puppets, responding to guests, and driving while simultaneously keeping their balance. Said one puppeteer, "Sure, a two-wheeled vehicle looks all cool and scientific, but it's a pain in the ass. If one of us so much as coughs, it falls over, and they take the repair costs out of our pay."

Look for Muppet Mobile Labs to appear on DCA's regular schedule sometime later this year (possibly with the addition of a third wheel).

Who golfs?

Walt Disney World has announced that the Eagle Pines golf course is going beneath the plow. Disney publicist Hans Gopher, when asked why one of the World's famous courses was being destroyed, replied, "There was a time when golf was a big draw for business people and conventioneers. But the world has moved on since then, and executives are a much younger group, less interested in the pastimes of their fathers."

Following through with this reasoning, Disney also announced that the golf course's former location would be used for the construction of a Four Seasons hotel in which every room contains a high-end computer connected to a server dedicated to Second Life, World of Warcraft, and other social networking and gaming applications more appealing to modern corporate America.

New addition to Pirates!

According to current rumor, the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction at both Disneyland and Walt Disney World will be modified again in 2007. Apparently, animatronic figures of the Dali Lama will be placed in both attractions. At Disneyland, the figure will appear in the bayou section, replacing the old man who sits in a rocking chair (a character that generates many complaints, in that some people think that the creaking of his aging joints sounds something like banjo music).

At Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom, "Dali" will appear at the very beginning of the cave section, "so as not to interfere with anything further into the attraction." Of course, this completely avoids the question of whether having this figure in the attraction makes sense at all.

So far as we were concerned, adding the Dali Lama to a Caribbean-themed pirate attraction made little sense, and we wondered what the heck Imagineering was thinking. After investigating this further, we discovered that, during a late-night telephone conversation, John Lasseter misunderstood a poorly pronounced "Tia Dalma," and when his orders came down the next day for the addition of the Dali Lama figure, nobody had the guts to stand up and say he was completely insane.

Go figure.

Disney's Olympic Spirit

Yesterday, the U.S. Olympic Committee's evaluation committee began their two-day visit to investiage whether the Disneyland Resort will be the U.S. candidate to host the 2016 Summer Games. This would be the first time in the history of the Olympics that a private corporation -- as opposed to a city -- hosted the games.

Said Claudia Fabulosa, Disney Olympic press liason, "We have high hopes for a positive result from the evaluation committee's visit. The Disneyland Resort is a wonderful, magical place, and by combining our magic with the magic of the Olympic games would truly create an ultra-magical synergy."

Disneyland Resort boasts facilities that could easily be repurposed for the Summer Games. There are copious accommodations, plenty of dining establishments, numerous bodies of water for use in swimming competitions, and Disney's California Adventure, which can be used to absorb crowds of people when other venues are full. A track and field stadium would need to be built, but Disney has already petitioned the city for permission to build such a stadium on land formerly earmarked for the building of low-income housing.

"We're very serious about this," said Fabulosa. "This isn't something that Disney is taking lightly and we aren't going to make fun of our Olympic heritage. There will be no discus throwing on Main Street, no marathons run on the PeopleMover track, and no fencing competitions in Pirates of the Caribbean. Well, maybe a little, but just for fun, not for medal contention."

Rose and Crown is Down

Epcot's Rose and Crown restaurant is closed temporarily so that employees can receive some much-needed dental work.

Downtown Disney Resort Updates

It has been announced that the seven resorts in Walt Disney World's Downtown Disney resort area have spent more than $100 million upgrading themselves in the hopes that someone, somewhere will, some day, stay in one of them because they want to, and not just because it's all they can afford. Upgrades include new beds, better televisions, and baskets of cash for first-time guests.

Mothers' and Easter's Eatings

You can now make reservations for special Easter and Mother's Day brunches at the Disneyland Resort. Opportunities include:

• Disney's Royal Buffet for Mother's Day in the Disneyland Baby Care Center
• Cinderella's Mother's Day of Forgiveness at the Disneyland Hotel
• Chicken Little's Easter Disaster at the Paradise Pier Hotel
• Pocahontas' Easter Sunrise Breakfast at Big Thunder Ranch

Drink Up, California!

From April 27 to May 20, 2007, Disney's California Adventure will be hosting Disney's California Food and Wine Weekends. Look for the alcohol content to be kicked up in all edibles (including churros) and free refills on vino-filled souvenir sipper cups. Guests who have a little too much to drink will be encouraged to ride Mullholland Madness as an object lesson in the dangers of drinking and driving.

Ship Shape

Last Thursday, Jay Rasulo (a Disney employee) announced that the Disney Cruise Line would be adding three new ships to its fleet over the coming years. The first, Disney Cabillero will launch in 2010 and carry passengers to ports in Mexico. Soon after that, in 2011, Disney's Black Pearl will begin tours of the Caribbean. But most surprising of all, the Steamboat Willie will begin carrying passengers up and down the Mississippi in 2009, treating them to a Mark-Twain-Style voyage complete with boyish adventure and enforced cigar smoking for gentlemen.

Adios Alfredo!

Walt Disney World just announced that the Alfredo di Roma Ristorante, a fixture in the Italy pavilion in the sense that it never moved, will be closing permanently later this year. Although park spokespeople are short on details, rumor has it that the China pavilion has been complaining that Italy is getting all the big pasta business, when everyone knows that spaghetti was invented thousands of years ago in China.

Oscar the Grouch

Much to the surprise of everyone, Cars did not win an Oscar tonight. Not for best animated film. Not for best performance by an anthromorphized object. Not for best milage in its class. Nothing.

What one instead? Happy Feet -- the computer-animated semi-historical biography of Dr. Scholl.

Truly a travesty.