Sunday, July 1, 2007

Analysts call Ratatouille "Horrible, dismal failure"

Disney studio estimates on Sunday say that Ratatouille made some $47.2 million over its first weekend. Investor groups and entertainment industry analysts were, to say the least, horrified.

"What a horrible, horrible disappointment," said Fred Pessimisto, a major financial industry guy. "What can you buy with $47 million these days? Diddly and squat, that's what. They need to just pull this clunker out of theaters and make room for something that can do the job."

"Pixar's had its first big, gigantic, stinker," said investment consultant Pete Holenhead. "I thought it was bad enough when Cars dragged in a pathetic $60 its first few days and only went on to make $255 million, but this is so, so much worse. Did anyone even go to the movies this weekend? Disney needs to get Pixar on board with those direct-to-video sequels that make guaranteed money and just ignore those Internet-fan morons who keep worrying about 'brand quality' and unmonitizable garbage like that."

Wikipedia editor Barry Headinsand said, "Check out the Ratatouille reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. It only got 95%! Everybody hates this film. Rats hate it. The French hate it. I hate it."

Disney management is considering pulling the film from theaters and trying to make it more palatable to mainstream audiences. "We'd like to rename it Spaghetti or something more recognizable to Americans," said Disney marketing manager Sylvia "Bottom Line" Artless. "And we should never have released a movie about rats in kitchens. How can you do a Happy Meal tie-in with something about that? And the movie has no fart jokes, or dogs peeing on anything -- and the one vomit joke doesn't show anything. What is this, 1937? No wonder kids hate the thing. In addition, the movie has a short before it. Nobody does shorts any more. They waste valuable theater time. Disney should be concentrating less on this artsy crap and more on guaranteed box-office gold like Evan Almighty -- I wish we had made that film; it's everything America wants in a family comedy."

Only time will tell if Ratatouille can ever recover from this sad, stuttering start.


Dr Daz said...

Hahah nice. Clearly quoting the experts :-P

No Fart jokes? Evan Almighty "Gold"? Obviously you are operating on the notion that iq's only range from 0-75 in the US- of A.

Read the stats as of Nov 4th 2007. Half a billion+ , what a flop ;)

crystal ball you ain't mate!

Coke In The Machine said...

"Dr Daz", please tell me you were just kidding and that in reality you do know what this blog is all about, or I'll be forced to conclude you lack any perception and are unable to interpret humorous tone of writing.

Kyle said...

Um, Coke, you do understand that Daz understands all too well the posts' purpose, I hope? "Half a billion+, what a flop ;)"

Hello, pot. This is kettle. You're black.

Anonymous said...

Actually, Kyle, I think that Daz was being sarcastic when he said "Half a billion+, what a flop ;)"

If you notice all of the other things he said, like, "obviously you are operating on the notion that iq's only range from 0-75 in the US of A" and "crystal ball you ain't," it presents more of coke's understanding than your own. Just saying.

Coke In The Machine said...

Hello, Kyle. I'd rather hear it from Dr Daz him/herself. I've reviewed his/her comment in light of your suggestion but still found nothing to contradict my view.
(Sorry it took me so long to answer -- I know you must have been waiting with bated breath.)